How to Fight Fair
No question. Put two people in the same house for any length of time, and you're bound to end up with conflict. Different opinions about the way you spend money, how you discipline the kids—even who cleans what when—can trigger strong emotional responses.
The way you handle these disagreements can have a profound impact on your marriage. Will your union be plagued with biting sarcasm and bitter resentment, or will your marriage grow stronger through honest discussion and frequent forgiveness?
Certainly, it's not always easy to think straight in the heat of the moment. So when conflict finds its way into your home, remember these three time-tested strategies. They'll help you navigate those "hot spots"—and help you find a resolution sooner than you might think.
Tip #1: Stick to the point.
Duck and run. Release a smoke screen. Play the victim. Call them what you will, but these typical evasion tactics aren't healthy in a marriage. If there's a real problem to discuss, then talk about it. Resist the temptation to bring up past problems or cloudy the issue with three or four separate complaints.
Tip #2: No name calling.
In the heat of an argument, it's easy to lose your temper. But just as you can't squeeze toothpaste back into the tube once you've squirted it on your toothbrush, you can't take back those hurtful words, either. They can never be erased. Maybe that's why the Psalm writer cautioned us by saying, "In your anger do not sin." (Psalm 4:4) Note that the Bible doesn't tell us not to get angry, just to be careful what we do with that emotion. Hurtful words can scar your spouse for a lifetime, so don't say them.
Tip #3: Avoid words like "always" and "never."
Phrases like "You always embarrass me in front of my friends" or "You never help around the house" rarely get you what you want: respect or teamwork. Not only do they open the door for further argument; they also point the finger at your spouse, putting him or her on the defensive. Instead, try saying something like, "It really bothers me when you say things like that in front of my friends. It makes me feel like you don't respect me." Or "It would really help me if you could take the laundry upstairs."
One final note: forgive, forgive, forgive.
All too often, we say things like, "It's OK." Or "Don't worry about it," when what we really need to say is, "I forgive you." These powerful words release the offending party from any further judgment. When we forgive, we're saying that we refuse to hold that hurt against our spouse any longer. We refuse to bring it up again—ever. Over time, the wounds will heal, especially if we don't dwell on the pain the other person caused.
So the next time conflict arises in your home, remember these strategies to make sure you fight fair. You, your spouse, and your marriage will benefit in the long run.
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Note: These comments are geared toward typical marital conflict. Some conflicts, however—particularly those that involve danger to self or others—need more professional, intensive intervention. If your marriage needs that kind of help, please be sure to get in touch with a professional, licensed counselor who can help you work through those types of problems.
If you would like to talk with a counselor at Lutheran Social Services,
please call us at (260) 426-3347, ext. 324, or (888) 722-3678 (toll free).
